When We Love

When we love we have no guarantees

We fall into an ocean or rather open the door to our ocean

We will experience storms as well as sunny days

We may find that love is that ship on the ocean

Or even the sand on the beaches

Just know that it is worth it

To feel the heart beating, and the rhythm of the ebb and flow

To see the horizon that looks like it touches the water

To feel the sun make us warm 

As well as the wind to chill us

When we love we give, we share, we feel

We may get it all back, or just a portion

But, when we love we learn to live.

Grief

They told me the pain wouldn't last
Just concentrate on the good
They told me the years would wash
Away at regret for being misunderstood

They told me you get over it, yet it is ever so close
They told me...
they told me...
THEY
Lied to defeat the purpose of what would happen if I knew
Gave excuses when the pain was more times than a few
Suggested broken ways to deal with broken dreams of denial and betrayal
Coped the way they knew which was not healthy for me or you!

2018
Is it really a new day when the pain is still so real, I can reach out and touch it, and my mind can see the visions of those last moments before each of you were taken from my life, never to come back again except when I remember your mutual birthday...

Deep peace

How do I find peace, how do I disassociate myself from the troubles of worry.
I start out needing to say something and they suddenly find that the lines of communication have blurred and I don't have access; it puts me in a state of panic.

At this stage in my life, I no longer lie to me and I see it for what it is anxiety.

Taking control, I ask myself why?
I ask me.  Is it more than just the want, what makes the need appear, what makes me get fixated; unable to move?
Heavenly Lord, in this moment, at this segment, at this crossroad. come to me, please and fill me with your grace, your love, so that the tension dissipates and the total trust fills me again.
Amen.

Reborn - Sept 4, 2013

Funny is, I saw Soti go in the water and I felt like I was in the water of baptism.
I heard Soti testify about her baggage and I felt like yesterday - my baggage was left behind as I ran through the open door.

I had to sit in the park this  morning before starting work just to thank God.
Thank Him.

He hears me, he makes his presence more evident to me each day.

A month and counting

Yes, I love my husband more each day.

I see my daughter sad!

Yes, I run into his arms each night.

I see my daughter MAD!!

Yes, why didn't I know you before>?

MY DAUGHTER is angry with ME!

OH, how my soul rejoices in love

MY DAUGHTER SAYS WHAT ABOUT ME!!!
I was here before he came along, I sat and held you when crying was all you did, I watched over, I made sure the ogre didn't bite you, I helped you stay sane, I hoped and prayed and asked God for all that you needed. Where am I in your plans, now that you have a husband, and you change(d), yes you changed yiour name no matter what, where am I - I was a part of you, I came out of you I am part of the past that you want to forget.
I ask you do you love me, why do you hate you
I ask you what do you do to remember me
I need you.
Can't you stay my mommy (not his wife), because I am you daughter. that other part of you...

quincenal - 15 days +1

Wow,
full circle.
The visions, the thoughts, the memories.
The invitations to his home - while his mother was still alive.
So much had to pass before I co uld see God's hand!
Why, why do I wait so long.
I believe that God wants me to be
But I always fear the location.

It rains a little

The small things get so big when you have plenty of time to think.
I sit and worry about how everything goes when he has a laundry list of chores he wants to complete before our big day.

Balancing the joy of expectation with the worry of the unknown makes me want to lose my mind. I thank God for blogging. Print it, type it, see it, face it and then let it go.

It was pouring in the Bronx when I spoke with him before lunch.
It is now a thunderstorm in my mind
However, the office I am sitting in is just humid.

Deep breathing is supposed to soothe the mind, I just think of getting back for the worry he caused,w hen in reality I cause the worry because it is the manner in which I choose to handle the situation. So, if I get out of my head and really, truly focus on all the work, I will probably be a lot better ...
la de da